Self Doubt is a bitch

Welcome back or just welcome if this is your first post of mine.

I thought I would go into a bit more detail following the xrays I posted over the weekend. I am very very happy with the quality of them. I am still slightly in awe that that is my spine, part of me thinks “eh that’s not so bad, you shouldn’t be in pain” and the other half is yelling “See! I told you there is something wrong!” I still have this nervous energy the closer I get to my appointment that I will be dismissed about my pains. It is an all too common practice in the chronic pain world for patients to experience rejection and mistreatment or lack of belief from doctors on multiple if not every occasion.

Honestly it probably goes back to my mentality of always having to hide my pain and spinal curvature. I remember when I was first told I was going to HAVE to wear a back brace for 21 hours a day when I was a preteen. That was essentially the worst thing anyone at that time could ever do to me. I was active in basketball and a cheerleader. I refused to do it. I had seen the other kids at school bully another girl at school with scoliosis who had had a spinal fusion. They were so mean to her and I know there is NO way I could ever be the subject of that negative attention. I dismissed and hid my disability. I didn’t let anyone know when I was hurting or that I even had scoliosis. I only wore my brace at home and that was only when I was not being a horrible teenager.

I have always shied away from my diagnosis from the stigma that comes along with it. It’s a diagnosis that is associated as something “my sister’s friend has and she is just fine” or the nerdy girl that gets made fun of in movies because she is in a full body brace. I have never had good self esteem and scoliosis definitely has not helped that. When I look in the mirror I see how the curves of my neck are uneven and one shoulder is higher that the other, I see that one of my breasts is very different than the other from my body pulling, I see that my hips don’t sit level with one another. I always turn to the side and see how far my shoulder sticks out and how ugly I look from the back in anything I wear.

I think the moral of the story is my self doubt. I doubt the way I look, I doubt that I will be taken seriously, and I doubt that I will find relief. I really hope someday I have all of these things, until then I guess I will fake it till I make it.